Things are about to get ugly, Miami.
No, I mean really ugly. Because all of our salons are closed.
Rightly so, of course. We know this is the least of our problems during the outbreak of coronavirus. We are self isolating. Don’t @ us.
But we just looked down, and our hands have morphed into scaly reptile claws from the constant hand washing and Defcon 1 use of hand sanitizer.
Look, in Miami, we can be a little shallow. We like to look in the mirror, and what we are seeing is not pretty. We’re only a week or so into this, and already we’re turning off the video in our video chats.
But there’s worse to come. Your hair is going to get shaggy, looking as bad as it did that time you cut it yourself at age 4. All the product in the world isn’t going to camouflage that. And pretty soon everybody you’re Zooming with is going to know you’re not a natural blond with those black roots growing in.
Your gel manicure will need to be sandblasted off, but there’s no one left to do it. Your eyebrows have started to march toward each other at the heretofore hairless spot between them, colonizing your face to form one giant eyebrow. We won’t even mention your other waxing needs except to say that the dream of the 1970s is about to be alive once again.
Your Botox is on the verge of giving out, and your face is going to sag down past your chin. Your Brazilian butt lift is on hold until Christmas.
So what exactly can you do? We’ll tell you. Here’s what to do about all your important self grooming issues:
It’s already growing. You have three choices.
Wear one of those free baseball caps you’ve been throwing in the back of the closet to hide this mess.
Be edgy and shave your head. This will probably look stupid because it only works for some people and all of them are Pitbull.
Make a game of it. Play cards, and let winners cut and style the hair of the losers any way they want. Fun for the whole family.
Forget that expensive process that kept you looking good. Not gonna happen. And if you didn’t stock up on L’Oreal last week, welcome to 50 Shades of Gray, all of which make you look 20 years older. All you can do is embrace it. Pretend you’re making a statement about feminism or patriotism.
There is only one Rule of Nails, and that is DO NOT PICK OFF YOUR GEL MANICURE YOURSELF. We cannot stress this enough. You have to buff as much of it off as you can before you even attempt to apply polish remover. Find that ancient nail file at the bottom of your medicine cabinet and get to work. Your manicure will still look terrible, but at least you won’t peel off the top layer of your nails and kill them forever.
Hope you didn’t toss those tweezers you bought in 2000 when skinny eyebrows were a thing.
Other body hair
Pray your disposable razors aren’t rusty. If they are, you’re going to have to make some important decisions, and please don’t tell us what you decide because we seriously don’t want to know.
We discourage all attempts at self Botoxing. You’re just going to have to look old like the rest of us.
CuloClean, a portable bidet, is the coronavirus product Miami never knew it needed